by Jim Harris

The Egyptian revolution was certainly compelling, but was it really just an anti-American plot to keep all of our esteemed U.S. celebrities like Lady Gaga and Snooki off the front pages? For shame! We need to retaliate by sending Lady Gaga to “moon” the United Nations!

Watching the tumultuous events in Egypt unfold over the last few weeks, I came to the conclusion that I’m sure many other Americans have reached as well: they’re getting way too much attention.

Everything in the media has been “Cairo” this and “Mubarak” that. It’s disgusting. America has hardly been getting any worldwide attention at all. Oh sure, our government officials have tried to get in on the act by regurgitating noncommittal platitudes in front of TV cameras, but nobody cares.

I mean really, how can you compete with crazy Egyptian thugs on camels charging into crowds of peaceful demonstrators? It’s no contest. Where are OUR crazy henchmen? Where are our camels? At Chicago’s Democratic Convention in 1968, Americans braved tear gas and clubs to march for peace and justice, and the whole world was watching.

Lately, though, we’ve gotten complacent and boring, and nobody’s watching anymore. That’s unacceptable. We NEED to be the center of attention once again. And to make matters worse, it looks like this current wave of revolution is spreading throughout the Arab world. They could overshadow us for months or years. So, how can we propel ourselves back onto the world stage? I think we need to have some newsworthy protests here in the U.S. All we need to do is find the right cause.

To that end, I’ve been working day and night in my tool shed/think tank to come up with a core issue that will bring us together in righteous indignation. Here’s what I’ve come up with so far:

•Girls are not allowed to be Boy Scouts. Simply unacceptable in a free society.
•There are still a handful of children in the U.S. who don’t have their own cell phones, iPads and SUVs. Shame on you, America!
•Our president is not even a citizen. He’s from the planet Zemnon-5 in the Andromeda Galaxy.
•There are too many stop signs. They’re stifling our spirit. We need to replace them with “Go” signs.
•Dogs are not allowed to vote. It’s about time we recognized that canines are just as politically astute as the average American voter.
•There are too many Chinese restaurants. Don’t you find that suspicious? I don’t see any Russian restaurants anywhere. Soon, they’ll have us eating nothing but bean curd and fried rice, and we’ll become too weak to fight off the coming invasion.

Please choose your favorite outrage from the above list, and respond by going to an open bedroom window and shouting, “I’m mad as hell about…” followed by one of the above injustices. You can pick more than one if you like. My field workers will be cruising the neighborhood jotting down the results. Keep yelling until they tell you to stop.

And by the way, if you’re feeling sorry for Hosni Mubarak, save your tears. True, all of his assets in Swiss banks have been frozen, but he’s just signed a multi-million dollar contract with CBS to star in a new sitcom, “Dude, Where’s My Country?” It’s about a wacky ex-dictator who comes to New York and opens a corner newsstand, which he runs with an iron fist. Betty White co-stars as his wife, but in episode three Hosni has an affair with Jennifer Aniston. Adam Sandler plays the next-door neighbor who keeps coming over, allegedly to borrow a cup of sugar.

If we work together, hopefully we can get America back on the front page of every newspaper in the world. Right now, I’m on my way down to The House of Bean Curd in Chinatown, to demand that they remove bean curd from the menu and replace it with something more American — like Pizza. I’m going to pitch a tent in their parking lot and stay there until they comply. If you’re brave enough to join me, come on down. Power to the people!