Arnold Schwarzenegger as Conan the Barbarian. How could women possibly resist “The Sperminator?”

by Jim Harris
Arnold Schwarzenegger, John Edwards, Mark Sanford, Elliot Spitzer, Rudy Giuliani, Bill Clinton, Newt Gingrich, John Ensign. No, this is not “AARP’s Five Hottest Hunks of 2011,” it’s merely a partial list of American elected officials who publicly got caught cheating on their spouses. The complete list would take up this whole column, and probably the entire newspaper.

It seems like we’ve been electing these kinds of oversexed politicos ever since our democracy began. They give the term “public servant” a whole new meaning. You’ve heard of “It takes a village?” Some of these guys have FATHERED a village!

So why do we get so upset every time another one of them falls off the fidelity wagon? I think we could save ourselves a lot of exasperation by restructuring the government so that these horny toads could have their own special offices. Then we’d never be disappointed.

Here’s how it would work: Congress would be divided into two bodies, the “House of Stalwarts,” consisting of women, eunuchs, and men over 80, and the “House of Reprehensibles,” more commonly known as the “Reprobates,” which would consist of everyone else.

The President would be the leader of the Stalwarts, and live at the White House. The Vice President and his “First Lady (of many)” would live in the “Red Light House.” He would be an advocate for vice. The Capitol building would be divided into a “Bright Side” and a “Dark Side.” Flags on the dark side would always fly at full staff, and visitors would be cautioned to enter the chambers at their own risk.

Departments on the dark side would include the Department of Pretense, the Ministry of Subhuman Services, the Office of Homeland Impurity, the Department of Carousing and Bourbon Development and the Federal Bureau of Insemination (which would oversee the Labor Department).

Cabinet officers would include the Director of Porn Affairs, the Minister of Molestation, the Secretary of the Posterior, the Under Secretary (who could always be found under his secretary) and the Ambassador to Hooters.

There could be plaques on the walls of the Dark Side chambers commemorating some of the more ingenious excuses put forth by their most enterprising practitioners: (e.g. Jim McGreevey’s “I am a gay American,” or Newt Gingrich’s “I’m passionate about America”).

The Dark Side could award monthly scholarships to the out-of-wedlock children fathered by its members. A new federal holiday could be created — “Secret Fathers Day,” honoring the unknown offspring of the governing elite. In fact, I have a little poem I wrote, which I think would be perfect for a Secret Fathers Day card.

“Dear Secret Dad,

The checks you send us monthly /Are very nice indeed;

But money isn’t everything / There’s something else we need;

Don’t want to call the tabloids / or cause a great big fuss;

But Mom and I would love it / If you’d just acknowledge us.”

And just think of all the possible twists on old campaign slogans. “All the Way with LBJ” would take on a whole new meaning. How about “Keep Grope Alive.”

Let’s face it. Without Oprah around anymore to publicly humiliate men who misbehave, they’ll just run wild. By “institutionalizing” our randy representatives, we can keep an eye on them while simultaneously creating a government that’s more inclusive and less judgmental. And by thus significantly lowering our standards, we can meet or exceed all of our expectations for the foreseeable future.