‘Supremes’ making ugly music at Obamacare hearings
by JIM HARRIS
The hottest ticket in the nation’s capital these days is the “Obamacare” hearings going on at the Supreme Court. Folks camp outside the building for days to get seats in the gallery. Some even pay illegal aliens to stand in line for them. I see pictures of protesters with signs that say things like “Keep government out of my body,” “Keep government in my body” and “Only airport agents may touch my body.”

Extremist right-wing Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia may get an Oscar nomination next year for the great acting job he does in pretending to be objective.

Personally, I’m just happy when I wake up in the morning. I can’t even imagine getting so worked up over the machinations of bureaucracy that I would take a day off, make up a snappy protest sign, ride a bus to D.C. and stand in the street for hours next to people who hate me. But hey, that’s just me. God bless all the political junkies out there. It’s just a good thing that we have a Supreme Court to ultimately decide who’s right and who’s far-right. So, you may ask, who are these nine justices anyway, and how did they get such a good gig?

Well, in order to get on the court, you have to know someone — ideally, the president or his top aides. This does not guarantee acceptance, however. In 1987, when Reagan-nominee Robert Bork’s video rental history was leaked to the press, it was discovered that he had rented the Marx Brothers movie, “A Day at The Races.” Fearing Marxist connections, Congress rejected his appointment.

On the other hand, Clarence Thomas, whose favorite movie was “Long Dong Silver,” made it through the confirmation process, although he has been living in the Witness Protection Program ever since. And Justice Antonin Scalia is such an extreme conservative that he will not go to a baseball game if he thinks there will be a switch-hitter in the game. And right-wing Chief Justice John Roberts is so compassionate that he has started a charity to help rich boys who could not get into Harvard.

Because justices are appointed for life, most of them are over 100 years old. Some are so old that many of their stuffed animals are now extinct. During a session, one or more of them will invariably blurt out some bizarre, nonsensical statement like “You can’t make people buy broccoli” before falling back to sleep. Even though  a tortured thought process has spread like pinkeye among the five right-wing justices, attorneys pleading a case before them still must observe proper protocol and pretend that the political hacks are actually objective jurists. Anyone wishing to speak has to first rise, bow to a 92-degree angle and kiss their robes before straightening back up. Justices may never be addressed as “Ho,” “Dawg” or “Sparky.”

If you have been following the arguments for and against Obamacare, you may have noticed the frequent use of the word “Briefs.” That’s because in the early days of the court, only crude, itchy buckskin underwear was available, but later, as weaving technology progressed, the justices were given the option to choose between “briefs” or “boxers.” Now that women are on the court, they too can choose whichever they prefer, but thongs are forbidden.

The wise decision by the founding founders to have the justices all wear black robes had multiple objectives: to prevent fashion one-upmanship and jealousy between the justices, to prevent them from wearing lascivious or inappropriate clothing like low-cut, frilly pirate shirts or low-slung jeans with holes at the knees. Many types of uniforms were initially considered, ranging from overalls to suits of armor, but in the end, black robes were chosen because one size fits all, and they don’t show stains.

Even though a law degree is not a constitutional requirement to be on the Supreme Court, nowadays you pretty much have to graduate from an Ivy League law school to be considered. But even though an ordinary person can never BE a Supreme Court Justice, it doesn’t mean you can’t ACT like one. Judge the slimy behavior of other people every chance you get. Try to have opinions on everything. Write them down and read them aloud to anyone who will stand still long enough to listen. Your friends might desert you and your family will find you insufferable, but that’s a small price to pay for living in an ivory tower and being superior to ordinary mortals.