by JIM HARRIS

Pennsylvania law now requires all voters to present a photo ID every time they go to the polls. Many Democrats see this as an effort by Republicans to keep minorities and the poor from voting.

A spokesperson for the Romney campaign pooh-poohs this, stating that “The Governor has been reaching out to minorities for some time now — literally. Whenever he sees people of color, he reaches out for them. Unfortunately, so far, most of them have been able to jump out of the way.”

While party officials deny any intent to manipulate voter turnout, certain super Pac think tanks are not so innocent in this respect. According to J. Paul Moneybags of The Mayflower Institute, “We have developed a collection of what we call diversionary scenarios which we believe can alter voter turnout without technically violating anyone’s rights.

“For example, by manipulating a series of traffic cones outside of polling places, we can ‘profile’ approaching voters and direct them in a way that suits our political needs. We want certain types of voters, if you know what I mean, to wind up like the cannibal who showed up late for dinner. In other words, we want them to get the cold shoulder.

“In one scenario, extremely elderly folks would be funneled around the building to the back door where a man in a suit would say, ‘Thanks for voting.’ We figure that many of them would never realize that they hadn’t actually voted. Also, if they had a photo ID, we would ask them to insert it into the ‘validating machine,’ which would actually be a shredder.

“Young, first-time male voters would be channeled into booths containing video games where they would quickly forget about voting and spend the next 12 hours blowing the heads off of zombies. By that time the polls would have all closed.

“Additionally, in Philadelphia and Pittsburgh, in cooperation with the Pennsylvania Game Commission, we plan to release thousands of raccoons near all the polling places. If there’s one thing that big city people are deathly afraid of, it’s raccoons.

“We have also placed ads on billboards advertising a 1-800 hotline that people can call if they have trouble obtaining a photo ID. Our professional counselors then explain to the callers that it’s not really worth the effort to get an ID because nothing ever changes no matter who wins some stupid election.

“We are also suggesting some new bills to be proposed in the next session of the Penna. House of Representatives. One bill would require prospective voters to show both a platinum Visa card and a college diploma while saying ‘Rubber baby buggy bumpers’ 10 times fast. Another bill proposes that the clock be set forward 23 hours every election day in Philadelphia only in order to ‘conserve energy,’ thus leaving only one hour in which to vote.

“Helping Mitt Romney invalidate Democratic voters is much more important and more fun than my last job. I was working in an orange juice factory, but I was canned because I couldn’t concentrate.”

In addition to all of those proposals from the Mayflower Institute, the federal government is busy working on a system of its own that would eliminate the need for photo IDs altogether, as well as speed up the voting process and prevent long lines at the polls. It involves implanting E-Z Pass transponders into the brains of registered voters, thus enabling them to run through the voting booth without even slowing down.

Until such time as this procedure is initiated, however, I have a proposal for all of you disenfranchised voters out there. As Board Certified caricaturists licensed to practice in Pennsylvania, New Jersey and Tahiti, my drawings and my wife’s drawings are all certified legal documents. They are guaranteed to be accurate to within one pixel per cubic yard. In addition, my drawings capture all of the nuances of character that photographs often miss.

So here’s what I’m offering: after drawing your picture, I will laminate it and present you with an 8” x 10” glossy. AND if you act right now, as a bonus, I will provide you with 3 wallet sized copies, PLUS a refrigerator magnet, a keychain and a coffee mug — all containing your meticulously rendered likeness, any of which can be used as legal proof of identification when voting. All this for only $99.99. Call now! Visa and MasterCard enthusiastically accepted.

 

  • CH Resident

    Yeah Jim and democrats like you have done wonders for cities such as Philadelphia. Look at what crap this place is, and CH is slowly getting sucked into the filth. GOD FORBID you have an ID….you sad cause the dems cant stuff the ballot box now?

    Philadelphia run by democrats, full of crime, high taxes for hand outs and business run.

    Still hoping for that change?

  • New Area Resident

    First of all, this article was a bit distasteful. I did laugh a bit, as I realize that it is a satire piece a-la “the onion”

    Second, as a Democrat, I have no problem with the voter ID law. It wasn’t hard to get my ID, and if you truly do live legally in the state, it shouldn’t be a problem for you either.

    Third, @afb99e45ccc01018e454d2d3ebd74611:disqus what have you done to make your community better? or rather what is your solution to reducing crime, but yet simultaneously lowering taxes. I’m guessing you would just sit on your butt and just be happy that you have more money in your paycheck.

    This is the problem with politics, everyone is looking for problems with the other side rather than actually coming up with solutions that make everyone happy.