by JIM HARRIS
I actually attended that $50,000-dollar-a-plate dinner in Boca Raton back in May where Mitt Romney talked about the 47% of Americans who don’t pay any federal income tax and who depend almost entirely on the government for support.

First of all, I have to say that the peas were cold and the mashed potatoes were extremely lumpy. Luckily, my bill was paid by my Chestnut Hill Local expense account, but personally I would not have paid a penny over $47,500 for that meal. Plus, the waitresses were very slow and surly. I suspect that they may have been Democrats and may have been spitting in the food, or worse.

Anyway, I was lucky enough to have a conversation with the candidate after his talk, which I share with you now.

•Harris: Exactly who are the 47%?

•Romney: Well Jim, some of them are babies, literally. Children don’t pay income tax in America, and I think that’s something that we’ll have to look at if I’m elected. As for the adults, they’re people who won’t commit to getting married but will commit to idiotic tattoos for life. They’ll use their food stamps to buy Twinkies, but they won’t bag their own groceries. They just stand there, all tattooed, yapping on their government-subsidized Smart Phones while some hard-working Americans have to actually pay for their own Twinkies.

Eventually, they almost all become morbidly obese. I’m talking like 300, 400 pounds or more. At least 52% of the freeloading 47% are over 400 pounds. Now Jim, there aren’t any 400-pound people in other countries. Well, maybe Sumo wrestlers in Japan, but at least they have jobs. It’s outrageous. So then the government gives these super-fat welfare freeloaders handicapped license plates and primo parking spots and builds them ramps everywhere so they don’t have to strain any muscles stepping up on the curb. Obama’s Justice Department is even proposing a new civil rights crime — “failing to help a moocher.”

Let me tell you something. My grandfather didn’t need ramps, and he sure didn’t need Twinkies. He rose every morning at 4 a.m., ate a squirrel that he had killed with his own machine gun and hammered square pegs into round holes for 18 hours straight. That’s the kind of dedicated, hard-working American he was. He never sucked on a government breast.

Anyway, today these bloated spongers who make up the 47% use Medicaid to have their fat surgically removed so they can start the fattening-up process all over again. You’d be amazed at what Medicare and Medicaid pay for. A man in Ohio was given medical marijuana for depression because he claimed he got depressed when he didn’t have marijuana. In Mississippi, a guy was granted permanent disability because he couldn’t cope with gravity. Our taxes are paying for this stuff.

And thanks to President Obama, the economy is so bad that half of the CEOs of the nation’s biggest corporations have had to move back in with their parents. It is so bad that Green Bay Packer fans are forced to wear government-handout cheese on their heads.

And when Iran attacks us with nuclear weapons, guess who will be the only ones to survive? You guessed it — the 47%. You see, their blubber will protect them from radioactivity as well as provide them with fuel to survive the post- apocalyptic famine. All the preservatives from the Twinkies will also help keep them alive. Hard-working folks like you and me, we’re doomed. Our Gucci bags and Rolex watches won’t help us at all.

In addition, it’s well known that they’re all flatulent, which contributes to air pollution. And they’re so lazy that they’ve eliminated all consonants from their speech because vowels require less energy to pronounce. Next year I’m going to ask my accountants if I can claim the 47% of Americans as dependents on my income tax return.

And last but not least, they’re stupid. They believe in all those liberal hoaxes like evolution and global warming. Many are too dumb to even obtain voter ID cards. But I will admit that even one of my own supporters goes too far once in a while. For example, Donald Trump may have gone too far when he demanded to see Abraham Lincoln’s birth certificate.

•Harris: We’ll it’s been great speaking with you, Governor Romney. Your faith in the American people is contagious. When I get home tonight, I’m going to go put my head in the oven and turn on the gas.

•Romney: OK, but pay your gas bill first so the taxpayers don’t wind up getting stuck with it.