Sources close to Lance Armstrong say he is upset that his professional cycling career is over but that he is far more devastated that he has been banned from ever participating in “Dancing with the Stars.” (The Sept. 3 cover article of Newsweek, “I Still Believe in Lance Armstrong,” was written by Chestnut Hill’s own Buzz Bissinger.)

by Jim Harris

On Oct. 22 Lance Armstrong, by far the world’s best-known and most successful professional road racing cyclist, was stripped of his seven Tour de France titles and banned from cycling by the Union Cycliste Internationale (UCI), cycling’s international governing body. When I heard this, I was very surprised. Cycling has an international governing body? Really? Who’s on it, Pee Wee Herman? Bart Simpson? More importantly, are they hiring? Because there are a lot of people out there, including me, who could use a high-paying job determining acceptable standards for bicycle horns.

Anyway, UCI’s decision was based on a report from the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency (another indispensable organization) that alleged Armstrong used banned substances and techniques to enhance his racing performance.

The list of cheating techniques he used included organ transplants, voodoo, cloning, doppelgangers, selling his soul to the devil and human sacrifice. Armstrong’s entire team has also been implicated, including his barber, publicist, guru, accountant and proctologist. (Those bicycle seats are hard.)

Besides being banned from cycling, Armstrong has been prohibited from wearing Spandex, even as underwear, for life, forbidden from ever competing on “Dancing with the Stars” and stripped of his membership in Netflix.

Perhaps most tragically, his cat has filed for divorce, and his dog has obtained a restraining order. He is also being sued by the U.S. Postal Service, who sponsored his racing team. According to the Postmaster General, “Like we didn’t have enough problems already!”

The U.S. Justice Department has reported that Armstrong is also being investigated on charges relating to transporting endangered wombats across state lines and selling nuclear weapons to Iran. As of this writing, scientists are exploring the possibility that he is also responsible for the hole in the ozone layer, global warming (Democrats in the Justice Department actually believe there is such a thing) and the worldwide economic collapse. In a related development, those yellow “Livestrong” wristbands that Armstrong inspired are being recalled because they were found to contain toxic materials.

Suspicion that Lance Armstrong was cheating began when it was noticed that he was consistently finishing the Tour de France, which normally takes 23 days, in just under an hour. Finally, one of his teammates, Sprocket Smith, stepped forward and said that he had personally seen Armstrong ingest a case of Mountain Dew, 12 gallons of coffee and 33 cans of Red Bull right before a race. “He would have finished the race even sooner,” said Smith, “except that he kept having to stop every 5 minutes to go to the bathroom.”

Armstrong’s banishment from cycling has been the cause of great celebration all over the world. In Paris they held a white-tie gala at which replicas of Armstrong’s Tour de France trophies were guillotined and tossed into the Seine River. According to Paris Mayor Bertrand Bonjour Napoleon, “It was more fun than a Jerry Lewis movie.”

At a party in Mexico City, kids smashed Lance Armstrong piñatas, and in towns all across the Middle East, the ex-cyclist (and his bike) were burned in effigy and trampled underfoot. “Everyone’s having a real good time,” said one reveler. “We’re always looking for new infidels to trash.”

Here in Armstrong’s home country, the reaction to the cheating revelations has been harsh. In a recent poll, he edged out Satan as the poster boy for evil. Parents are telling their children “If you don’t eat your vegetables, Lance Armstrong will get you,” and for their part, the kids are telling their teachers, “Lance Armstrong ate my homework.”

It seems like the only people in America who still believe in Armstrong’s innocence are Pete Rose, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens, and a handful of hard-core bike-racing enthusiasts. Interviewed in his cave at an undisclosed location yesterday, Armstrong said, “If I can’t race bicycles anymore, I’ll probably have to take up something less important than professional sports, like brain surgery.”

  • Dp

    Not funny…lamest attempt at satire I’ve read in a while. Just really humor less

    • Carl

      Agreed!!

    • Ed

      Wrong. It’s just a bicycle race. Not curing cancer or feeding children. I smiled.

  • Peter Anonymis

    Dude. You’re an idiot.

  • Peter Anonymis

    Poor attempt dude. Let me guess. You also thought Madonna was a virgin until you saw her strip on stage? The fact that someone gets offended about doping only shows they were
    stupid enough to believe in those guys’ innocence in the first place. Stop benefiting from doping in cycling if you don’t care about the sport and start focusing on stuff you actually have something to say about. You’re wasting your employer’s time and money. What you wrote is low-quality nonsense. You pretend to be a narrow-visioned dude, who doesn’t care about cycling, its governing body or ridicule a guy who took some pills to race. But who cares? Do I write nonsense about baseball or football just because I don’t give a s#!t about those sports? NO. I simply ignore them. BTW – yes, pro-athletes have a history of doping. Don’t be naive about any sport you personally like or its heroes.

  • tk

    This one is going into my ‘pointless satire with no apparent angle and it wasn’t even remotely funny or clever’ hall of fame.