by Jim Harris

China spies on the USA; the USA spies on Google; Google spies on the American people; the American people spy on celebrities like Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, and God spies on everyone.

It’s called the cycle of life, and it’s been going on since Cain spied on Abel, but people don’t want to think about it because they like to pretend that they’re free. Which is why there’s been such a kerfuffle since government contractor Edward Snowden publicly revealed that the National Security Agency (NSA) has been monitoring the phone lines of millions of Americans and tapping into the data banks of the world’s largest internet providers.

This has resulted in an avalanche of angry letters to the NSA, of which the following few are representative.

• I am General Charles “Chuck” Applegate, U.S. Border Patrol, retired. If the founding fathers could see what’s happening to our freedom today, they would puke. They would at least wretch. And Jefferson, wow, he’d flip his wig. He’d probably get so angry that he’d punch one of his slaves or something. We real Americans don’t need wiretaps or Obamacare to keep us safe. All we need is the constitution, an arsenal of assault weapons, and a heavily fortified garage.

• My name is Farouk El Kabong. I’m an al Qaeda operative. I am an expert on suicide bombing. Well, as expert as one can get without actually blowing oneself up. Anyway, I’ve been trying to get on your radar for years. I’ve made hundreds of hour-long phone calls to al Qaeda headquarters, talking loudly about plots and such. I even called your office several times, but all I got was a message that said, “This is the NSA; we’re busy spying right now. Please leave a message. Oh wait, don’t bother, we’ve already got your number. Ha ha ha ha!” Very funny. I really think you need to invite me in to your office for interrogation. I’m available every day next week except Friday.

• Hello. I am a 42-year-old unemployed actor living with my parents. I am quite jealous of this Snowden fellow. He’s already got his own page on Wikipedia. His name is on everyone’s lips. He’s a high school dropout, for God’s sake. I would kill for that kind of publicity. We’ll, metaphorically, of course. Listen, I’m a high school graduate, and I’d love to make $200,000 sitting at a computer. Can I have his job? I promise I won’t leak any information.

• Greetings. I’m the CEO of the Acme Novelty Company in Hoboken. Since your agency appears to be having trouble using new-fangled electronic spying equipment, I would like to suggest some manually operated, time-tested devices that will vastly improve your spying capabilities. Our biggest seller is “X-ray Specs.” They really work. See terrorists through mud walls! See what they’re hiding under those smocks! Also useful is our “Around-the Corner Periscope,” just like the kind found in submarines. Made of sturdy reinforced cardboard. Free shipping on all orders of five million units or more.

• Hi. This is President Obama. Good job, guys. So let’s see if I’ve got this straight. You troll the world for evidence of terrorism but can’t spot a fox in your own henhouse. Then, after weeks of investigating the situation, you come up with the shocking discovery that Snowden stole the information using… a thumb drive! And then, after he embarrasses you (and me) before the entire planet and flees to Hong Kong, you make a big deal out of announcing the fact that he’s been fired. Boy, I’ll bet he’s sorry now. So anyway, in order to cover my rear, I’ve had to call for an open debate on the whole situation. Just make sure you cover these debates and get data on everyone who participates. Think you can handle that?

So, dear readers, these are just a few examples of letters to the NSA. I would encourage all of you to send your own thoughts, comments, photos, favorite recipes, whatever, to: The National Security Agency, 9800 Savage Rd., Fort Meade, MD 20755

I’m sure they’d love to hear from you.

  • Mike

    I bet the NSA is reading this column right now and officially noting what all Local readers already know – Jim Harris is a really bad columnist. Fail.

  • no_mas

    It’s not “wretch”, you dope; it’s “retch”…R-E-T-C-H.

    As in “Jim Harris’ ignorant, and unfunny columns could cause one to retch”.

    At least you got “puke” right.