Your kids will be inspired by these action figures

Blue Box Toys recently announced the creation of a George W. Bush action figure that will be on the market in time for holiday gift giving. The life-like figure is decked out in a flight suit, parachute harness and all, meant to recreate the awesome figure that the President cut aboard the USS Abraham Lincoln in May when he proudly announced the conclusion of the “major battle phase” of the U.S. military action against Iraq.

The Swami foresees an imminent flood of Philadelphia action figures swamping local shelves within weeks, as manufacturers and merchants take commercial advantage of the hero-worship that will soon be afforded the trailblazing presidential doll.

The John Street action figure: actually, a collection of three linked action figures, featuring the mayor with his arm around his wife and his brother, both of whom have their arms extended and their hands reaching into a bovine-shaped cash register labeled “Philadelphia cash cow.” Push the “talk” button and the mayor says, “If politics doesn’t mean taking care of your own, it doesn’t mean anything.

The Sharif Street action figure: also a linked collection, with the mayor’s pony-tailed, suavely clad son surrounded by a posse of beefy city employees, some wearing colorful brass knuckles, some holding what appear to be incendiary devices, some looking about stealthily for Jewish architects and lawyers. When the “talk” button is pushed, Sharif and his crew say in unison, “Hi, in the name of the mayor, we were just passing by, and as long as we’re here, we’ll beat the crap out of you as part of the duties for which we are handsomely paid and about which we know and do nothing.”

The Sam Katz action figure: the Republican mayoral candidate catches the eye in an Indian outfit, his leggings of real buckskin, innumerable strands of authentic wampum draped over his warpaint-streaked vest, and his headdress featuring a feather from an endangered species of eagle that only Indians may legally hunt. Push the “talk” button and the Katz action figure says, “I regard enabling Native Americans to rake in millions from gambling casinos as the highest form of public service, typifying what I intend to do to Philadelphia when elected mayor.”

The Ed Rendell action figure: the governor in an attention-grabbing pose, struggling to hold up what appears to be a teetering 20-ton wooden-and-cast iron frame about to crush an action figure of Sandra Day O’Connor as in all innocence she smiles a benign, grandmotherly smile. Push the “talk” button and hear the Supreme Court justice remark, “I’ve had such fun here today. I would hate to think that my first visit to Philadelphia will be my last one.” Look closely and you can see beads of sweat on the governor’s brow and a half-eaten cheese steak peeking out of the inner pocket of his suit coat.

The Rick Santorum action figure: Pennsylvania’s junior senator is wrapped very, very tightly in a three-piece black wool suit, with a replica of Alabama’s outlawed Ten Commandments statuary in one hand and a pamphlet called “Family Values to Win By” in the other. Push the “talk” button and a squeaky-voiced Santorum asks fearfully, “They haven’t okayed polygamy and bestiality yet, have they?”

The Jeffrey Lurie and Joe Banner action figures: another linked pair, both clad in kelly-green windbreakers, the Eagle owner with a huge Italian hoagie shoved halfway down his throat, the Eagle GM bent over with his mouth completely wrapped around the spout of a gushing water fountain. Push the “talk” button and the Eagle honchos say in strangulated unison, “We’re sorry, we’re sorry; it only looked like we were trying to gouge every last penny out of you.”

The Larry Bowa action figure: the Phillies skipper is cocooned within a red-and white-striped straitjacket, his eyes bulging, his face a deep purple, with authentic-looking bile issuing from his mouth. Push the “talk” button and your friends will cringe in unfeigned horror as they hear a maniacal screech, “You #%&*@!! You’ll never get me into that Anger Management and Apoplexy Avoidance 12-step program, you hear???”

The Arnold Schwarzenegger action figure: the charismatic bodybuilder-turned-actor-turned-politician ripples the muscles on his shirtless torso and flashes a toothy grin while putting both hands into action: his right hand stealthily plants a listening device into the lampshade of an office with “Mayor Street” painted on the door while his left hand stealthily creeps toward the secretary sitting at a desk. Push the “talk” button and you hear an authentic Teutonic accent: “Today California. Tomorrow Philadelphia. The day after that, the world. Every day, the ladies. What a country!”