Where did baseball come from? Cave men, of course

by CHRISTOPHER BACHLER

Another baseball season has passed, and fans can hardly wait for the next one. Those with less appreciation for the great American pastime might wonder why this sport fascinates so many people around the world. The reason, I believe, is because it relates to mankind's three most critical skills: running, swinging big sticks and throwing hard objects.

In prehistoric times, life was short, and the attainment of mere subsistence was no mean achievement. It was a time when men were men -- and so were women! If you wanted to eat, or needed a new suit of clothing, you had to chase it down and kill it. (Thus the origins of the expressions "I could eat a bear" and "Dressed to kill.") So running was of primary importance since men spent half their days chasing after something they wanted to eat, and the other half running from something that wanted to eat them.

Dexterity in swinging a club was also key to success in hunting, dealing with nasty neighbors and procuring a wife. These lucky primitives had no need to wine and dine the ladies of their desire. Rather, the love-struck brute needed only to bop his dream girl on the noggin and drag her off to her future happiness. (Thus the expression: "She's a real knockout!") Should the cave lady's father raise any objections, the eager suitor could give him a few bops as well.

Once the blushing bride regained consciousness, she wasted no time in dragging hubby off in search of the cave of her dreams: some trendy haunt, no doubt, that would make the other lady troglodytes green with envy (if they weren't already green with algae).

Our lumpy bride is not about to settle for her man's old bachelor's hole. (Even prehistoric women had more discriminating taste than men. That taste has continued to evolve, though in us men, it remains about the same). Nor will she hear of dwelling in that little cave by the River of Blood. Too gauche!

Instead, her heart is set on the magnificent cave atop the Hill of the Beast. But alas, the Beast himself -- a humungous, 5,000-pound monstrosity -- currently occupies this very cave. Worse still, he has just awakened from hibernation, and is in a very ugly mood.

Our groom knows he will never evict the Beast with mere club and courage. The trick, he reasons, is to evict the Beast from a distance. He accomplishes this by hurling a steady barrage of stones into the cave. (Since this is the Stone Age, there are plenty of stones lying around, and our aspiring new resident has a pretty good arm, what from swinging his stick so much.) From a safe distance, he winds up and throws them, one after another, at the poor Beast, who cannot throw them back. Soon, the matter is settled; either the Beast will flee his home, or he will be "struck out" and perish on the spot. This second scenario was best for couples who desired a pre-furnished home, which is always ideal.

Once secured, the new residence is now coveted by others who try the same tactic of hurling stones to evict the new occupants -- a strategy known as "stealing home base." When this occurred, the resident troglodyte could use his club to deflect some of the incoming stones, then make a quick dash away from the cave to avoid further injury. He might then endeavor to run, unseen, a circuitous route around his tormentor so he could sneak up from behind and bash his brains out good and proper. Because this run was made in an effort to save his home, it was known as a "home run."

When this occurred, it wasn't uncommon for a relative or friend of the deceased stone thrower to scream his disapproval into the ear of the man with the club, and perhaps kick some dirt at him. This Freudian manner of contention would continue, to the amusement of all spectators, until one of the disputants was either out of breath, or beaten to death on the spot. The winner's supporters would then congratulate their guy by patting him on the rump, since this was the only part of the anatomy that was covered.

Now that you understand the origins of the game, and why humans are drawn, mesmerically, to frequent demonstrations of these skills, you might still wonder why these talents should matter any more. After all, we are now civilized folk, and we can easily kill enemies and prey en masse with the best state-of-the-art technology, and even have lots of fun doing it!

Mr. Einstein, himself a great innovator of some neat new weapons, aptly answered this question, when he once remarked: "I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones."

So before that time comes, be sure you're ready! When spring returns, and you slumber out of hibernation, get out there and play ball.