by Jim Harris
It’s time for the spring semester at my world-renowned instructional institution, The Learning Bush (not to be confused with the Burning Bush, or any other educational entity). Most of our ace instructors are either out on bail or on work-release, so you are free to choose from the wide range of courses listed below.
Music and Arts
• Beginning kazoo
• Learn how to make all hell break loose at a rock concert (as opposed to our course last year which just taught how to make some hell break loose).
• Reading Shakespeare backwards
• Learn to yodel in different languages
• Competetive tiddlywinks
• Murder mystery theater: Solve real murders and get fed to boot! Presented in conjunction with the Philadelphia Police Homicide Division and Big Ernie’s All-You-Can-Eat Buffet.
• Blogging about blogging
• Getting grants to write grants
• Running for public office: Topics include doubletalk, demagoguery and pocketing kickbacks.
• Start your own Learning Bush™ franchise: $40,000 gets you a validated certificate of authenticity, a handsome, hand-lettered “Learning Bush” sign and a framed picture of the CEO (me) to hang on your wall.
• Pretending to be someone else: (For legal purposes, I am required to state that this is not the same as identity theft.) Erase your debt and start fresh by adopting a new persona. Topics include “using a shredder,” “hacking into corporate computers” and “creating an impressive resume.
• Gatecrashing: Learn how to walk into any large ceremony or gathering and eat for free.
• Potholing: Learn to make a pothole so big it has its own gift shop.
• Using bribes to score high on SAT’s.
• Learn how to avoid bullying by getting into the Jehovah’s Witness Protection Program.
• Learn how to improve your self-esteem dramatically. The course is taught (by video) by Donald Trump. By the end of the course, you will be walking down any lover’s lane holding your own hand.
• Creating a “living hair will.” In the unfortunate event that you should lapse into a coma, what sort of hairstyle would you want to have? Don’t leave such an important decision up to strangers.
• Yoga for dogs: Okay, you have to make them do it, but they’ll thank you for it later.
• Moving real slow: Not exactly Tai Chi, but “Tai Chi-like.” In each three-hour class you will move a total of one inch while watching TV. Advanced students will “move” on to the next course, “Holding still.”
• Visit the future. See what wonders await the human race in the centuries to come. You may choose to remain in the future if you wish, as long as you have paid for the course in advance
• Group massage. Leave your inhibitions behind. BYOB
Exercise and Health
• Boxing for women. Experience the new female-fitness craze.
WATCHING boxing for women: For men only.
• Proper use of a condom. Remember that not using a condom with a hooker is like driving in a convertible through New Jersey.
• The Catholic “Kneel-sit-stand-repent” workout: Save your soul while keeping fit!
• Barefoot tap-dancing. This is great if your spouse does not like noise. Barefoot tap-dancing is as quiet as a mouse peeing on a cotton ball.
• Creative Dance for 57-year-olds: must be 57 years old.
• Learn how to join the new internet social network for senior citizens. It’s called Wrinkled Facebook.
• Build your own rocket: These days, space is for everyone. Escape earth’s gravity using everyday household items.
• Getting a taxidermist license: Learn to kill animals and stuff them. The Pennsylvania Game Commission will issue you a license as long as you promise to purchase one gun every week and kill at least 10 animals each month. After your first five kills, you will qualify to become a member of the Friends/Enemies of the Wissahickon.
Call today to sign up for a class. We accept cash, checks, stamps, stock certificates, government bonds, bribes, leftover Ed Rendell campaign money, taxpayer grants from Dwight Evans, Bob Brady and other charitable Democratic politicians and, of course, kickbacks. If you don’t see the course you’re looking for, just let us know, and we’ll make one up. Happy learning!
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