Secret Service scandal: as usual, Jim has a solution

Local Life May 4, 2012 0 Comments

by JIM HARRIS
As the investigation into the Secret Service (with the emphasis on “Service”) prostitution scandal continues to widen, a spokesperson for The International Union of Sex Workers (IUSW) announced that 12 more workers have been expelled from the IUSW for associating with U.S. Secret Service agents.

In the 2008 movie, “Vantage Point,” Matthew Fox and Dennis Quaid play serious-looking Secret Service agents protecting a president played by William Hurt (center) to make sure he does not get attacked by Colombian hookers looking for the money they are owed.

“We have a starchy sense of propriety, and these indiscretions are a black mark on our profession,” said IUSW press secretary Peaches O’Herlihy. “Anyone who would associate with these agents must be dumber than a second coat of paint. We can’t let the actions of a few bad apples reflect on our industry as a whole. This kind of fraternizing must be punished. These Secret Service agents have stiffed our hard-working young ladies (so to speak) on a number of occasions.”

On the plus side, the Secret Service agents allegedly only paid the hookers in Colombia $30 after promising them $800. Apparently the Secret Service agents are the only people in the entire federal bureaucracy who are actually able to cut back on federal spending.

On the other hand, however, it makes you wonder if maybe our President would be safer if he were protected by pimps (like the people who create political attack ads, for example). By the way, my highly unreliable sources inside the Beltway (so to speak) tell me that one Secret Service agent in Colombia recent caught such a big yeast infection from a “lady” that he began baking loaves of bread for all the other agents.

An even more appealing solution than pimp protectors might be to have the call girls themselves guard the president. That idea should scare the fat off anyone! At least the call girls wouldn’t be out hiring prostitutes when they were supposed to be working. I can just picture the Prez showing up for a press conference preceded by a flying wedge of hookers in mesh stockings and 5-inch heels.

Kind of like Charlie’s Angels and Victoria’s Secret rolled into one. Of course the nation’s capital would have to be moved to Nevada (“The Brothel State”) so that everything would be legal and aboveboard. And the sooner this is done, the better. As the old saying goes, there’s no time like the pleasant!

Practically speaking, though, we’ll probably have to continue to rely on the Secret Service to protect those holding or aspiring to the highest office in the land. Since there are obviously quite a few openings at the agency now, I decided to see what jobs were available. The Secret Service always seemed to me like the Coast Guard of gun-toting covert agencies in terms of the slim chances of getting killed.

When I went to their website and clicked on “career opportunities,” I was given the message, “The resource you are looking for has been removed, or is temporarily unavailable.” Perhaps they’re “retooling.” I was able, however to view the requirements for applicants: “Must be U.S. citizen [good idea], submit to periodic urinalyses and be in excellent physical condition [for jumping out of the way of bullets].”

Also according to the website, advance teams are expected to “conduct site surveys, assess the needs for manpower and restrict access to secured areas.” There’s more irony and double entendre there than on a Benny Hill Show, so I’ll just let the words speak for themselves.

In the end, though, it doesn’t really matter who’s got your back (or your front); you’ve still got to have Lady Luck on your side. At least 12 of our chief executives have had one or more attempts made on their lives, each one more bizarre and improbable than the next.

In 1835 a man shot point blank at president Andrew Jackson. The gun misfired (twice!), and Jackson clubbed the man into submission with his cane. In 1912, a man shot Teddy Roosevelt, but a 50-page speech in Roosevelt’s breast pocket slowed the bullet. With blood seeping into his shirt, he delivered his scheduled speech, talking for 90 minutes. Now THAT’S a politician.

Osama Bin Laden tried to kill two presidents, Bush senior and Clinton. George W. Bush had both a shoe and a live hand grenade thrown at him. Luckily, neither exploded. And Charles Manson devotee Squeaky Fromm pointed a pistol at Gerald Ford before being restrained by a Secret Service agent who was actually paying attention.

Since there seem to be no laws that deal specifically with the sexual conduct of government employees, I have drawn one up: Elected officials shall be permitted to engage in sexual shenanigans on company time whenever they want to. In fact, it is expected of them. But those agents assigned to protect  the elected officials need to keep their own lives and limbs celibate while they’re working because, as the immutable laws of biology dictate, you can’t keep your guard up when your pants are down.

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