Terror alert: Don’t go to Camden, Yemen or to any Pancake House!

Opinion August 16, 2013 0 Comments

by Jim Harris

White House Press Secretary Jay Carney announced yesterday that the terror alert has been downgraded two levels, from “We’re all gonna die,” to “Be very afraid.” “We’re not out of the woods yet,” said Carney,” but thank goodness we’re able to tap into al Qaeda’s communications, or else we’d be up the creek.”

The most recent alert was initiated when known terrorists, who apparently didn’t realize that their communications were being intercepted, began exhibiting “increased levels of chatter, blather, babble, prattle, jibber-jabber and mumbo-jumbo,” according to the Secretary.

“I’m not able to be specific on whether or not the details of this intercepted data were specific,” he said, “but I am able to be vague. I’m doing that right now. One thing we now know for sure is that all of the terrorists thought ‘Argo’ should never have won the Best Picture Oscar. They seem to have been evenly split between ‘Les Miserables’ and ‘Life of Pi’ as to which movie should have won. They hated ‘Zero Dark Thirty.’”

Another important fact that was discovered from the intercepted al Qaeda communications was that al Qaeda is very angry at us for giving aid to Yemen. But according to Secretary Carney, “We really had no choice. That’s because when life gives you Yemen, the best thing you can do is make Yemen-aid!”

As an ongoing response to this very real terror threat, Carney announced that we will be implementing a number of important security measures. “First,” he explained, “we will be closing all International Houses of Pancakes until further notice. Next, we will be replacing all of our embassy workers with armed robots. These will be operated by even more sophisticated robots located here in the States. Ultimately, our goal is to eliminate the need for human beings at all levels of government.

“And thirdly, at the slightest appearance of any kind of trouble anywhere, the President will immediately be whisked off to a fortified underground bunker in Utah. Just to be safe, the Vice President, Speaker of the House and everyone else in Congress will likewise be squirreled away to secret locations, as will all ex-Presidents, their families and their pets. One of those locations will be in Camden because al Queda would not dare go there. Non-governmental people will be advised to hide in closets, under beds or anywhere they please.”

For his part, President Obama spent a busy week making the rounds of TV shows, talking up the terror threat and the importance of covert surveillance. On Tuesday he was a contestant on Wheel of Fortune where he solved the puzzle, “God Bless the NSA,” in between answering probing questions from host Pat Sajak. On Thursday he broke up a chair-throwing fight between a pregnant woman and her cheating boy friend on the Maury Povich show. Afterwards, he told the woman she should have been monitoring the man’s phone calls.

And on Friday, the President held his first news conference since April. He arrived wearing a jacket made out of Saran Wrap, stating, “I’m trying to be transparent.” During the press conference, he criticized Russian Czar Vladimir Putin for granting asylum to NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden. “They BELONG in an asylum,” said the president. “They’re both nuts.”

At one point, when the president was talking about the al Qaeda threat, a bearded man in a turban charged the lectern, yelling “Death to Americans” and waving a sword. The President grabbed a flagpole and chased the attacker out a back door. “See? What did I tell you?” the President screamed, “These guys don’t play.”

When a reporter pointed out that the bearded man looked a lot like Vice President Joe Biden in disguise, Mr. Obama replied, “Okay, it was Joe, but this nonetheless accurately depicts the type of attack that could happen at any time. We just wanted to prove that a wacko could get into the White House!”

When asked if he could divulge even one small detail about the nature of the terror threat, the President sat down on the floor, touched his elbows to his knees and said, “I am not in a position to respond to that right now.” After a while, when it became apparent that he was either unable or unwilling to return to a normal standing position, the news conference was adjourned, and everyone sang “God Bless the NSA!”

Want to support the Local? Join the Chestnut Hill Community Association. Membership helps fund what we do. Join today.