October 18, 2007 Issue                                       

©2007 The Chestnut Hill Local

When will computer quizzes tell you something useful?
By JENNIFER NAGEL

I was goofing around on the internet, and I stumbled across — literally — thousands of kitschy little quizzes to take that would tell me everything there is to know about myself. I can find out which Desperate Housewife I am, which historical lunatic I am, which dictator I am most like, which Golden Girl I am and which song performed by Poison best defines my personality. I found out I am whatever Desperate Housewife mows the lawn in a gown and high heels, I am Attila the Hun, I am Dorothy Zbornak, and I am “Every Rose Has Its Thorn.” These are all things I was desperate to know about myself.

I get an ad on my email page every once in a while that asks me to take a quiz about what kind of mom I am. I am not a mom; that’s what kind I am, and I don’t care to find out what kind of mom I will be in the event that what I find out is very depressing.

I’ve taken countless personality tests that spit out initials for me that are supposed to signify what my personality is, but then I have to pay $14.95 to find out what the stupid initials stand for. I don’t think so. I don’t need to spend 15 bucks to find out that I have a need to be the center of attention, I’m occasionally timid, usually overbearing, and I really like things covered with Cheez Whiz; though that may not seem like an important facet of my personality, you haven’t stood between me and cheese fries lately. I’ve taken career placement tests that told me I should be a journalist or a communicator of some point, so I guess I have some amount of faith in those types of tests. I’ve taken quizzes to find out if relationships will last; they lied. I’ve taken quizzes to find out what kind of shoe matches my personality. Not surprisingly, it’s the flip-flop. But what I really want to know — and maybe they should make a quiz that can, through some computer algorithm, spit out the answer—is when these geniuses are going to make a quiz that tells you something useful?

Why hasn’t someone established the “Is it a good idea for me to reproduce” quiz? Or what about the “Will I end up divorced in less than a week” quiz?  Where are the quizzes the world really needs? We need quizzes like “How long can I drink the mortgage money before the bank forecloses?” and “At what age will it become unattractive for me to continue living with my parents?” We need quizzes that will change the world — or at least give all of us a clue if we keep taking these quizzes and not paying attention to, you know, life.

After you take these quizzes, they conveniently spit out a code that you can copy and paste into your blog, because it’s especially important to know that, if you were a Backstreet Boys song, you’d be “I Want It That Way,” and if you were an episode of The Office, you’d be “Product Recall” (excellent episode, by the way).

The most disturbing thing, though, is that I thought when I got out of college, the whole cutesy personality quiz would die off a little, but instead all the same people — and even older people — still have quizzes everywhere in creation. There are quizzes on their mySpaces, quizzes on Facebooks, quizzes on blogs and webpages and everywhere I look. There are adults — people who are paying into Social Security and who have 401K’s and some of whom have mortgages and all of whom have steady, serious, fairly important jobs — who spend much of their time at work, and at home, playing around on the internet and taking quizzes to find out more about themselves. I might be missing the boat, but wouldn’t a few hours of quiet introspection do the same thing? Couldn’t one wash windows and prune the hedges while one considered the intricacies of one’s personality? Seems to me that quiet introspection, when accompanied with yardwork and house chores, kills several birds with one stone. But that’s just me.

What happened to spending time talking with friends or reading the newspaper or a nice novel? What happened to lying on the couch for a while just to sort out your thoughts? Those things apparently have been replaced by kitschy quizzes that tell you all you need to know about yourself without actually having to do any real thinking. Pretty soon, there’ll be a quiz that spits out the name of the person you’re supposed to marry, how many kids you’re supposed to have, where you’re supposed to live and what job you’re supposed to do. Why think about life or let it takes its course? Isn’t it just easier to have an algorithm figure out life for you? It would be much easier for people like Britney Spears, who might have found out that she should have zero children and shouldn’t marry anyone named Kevin Federline.

All I need to know about myself, I already know about myself. And as I continue to grow up and grow older, I’m sure I’ll figure out a ton more — how I handle stress, things that make me angry, what kind of food will comfort me most (besides Cheez Whiz). But I don’t see the need to rely on computer quizzes to clear up my future for me. And I certainly don’t see a need to waste precious company time figuring out which Power Ranger you are. But it figures — the last quiz I took told me I’m a party pooper.

Jen Nagel is an elementary school teacher who last week saw a sign while driving that said “Watch for Children,” and she thought that was a pretty fair trade. You can reach her at jp.nagel711@gmail.com