June 5, 2008 Issue
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Classified Chestnut Hill Local Don't Miss an Issue, Tell us what you see or Winner of Two |
You’ve never seen acts like these before!
It’s been a long, cold, lonely winter for local entertainment. The Sixers and Flyers both faltered in the playoffs, the big art show in town was Frida Kahlo’s paintings of herself with nails in her head (thanks for sharing, Frida), and most of the movies were expensive adaptations of cartoons originally aimed at six-year-olds. Just as an example, production costs of the latest abomination, Speed Racer, are estimated to be well over $100 million. By comparison, President Bush pledged $3 million to help cyclone victims in Myanmar, and no, I’m not a communist (although I am a columnist). The arrival of spring brought back a familiar form of local entertainment — the Schuylkill regattas, or as I like to call them, rich kids in rowboats. I still find it puzzling why these regattas draw so many young people to our area. I suspect that they are really just big frat-parties for future bank presidents and CEO’s. Even that I could stand if they just didn’t close down Kelly Drive for days on end, forcing us working shlubs to take time-consuming detours through the park. But enough of my communist, er, columnist rantings. The real fun begins this summer right here in Chestnut Hill. The good folks at the Community Association have prepared a veritable cornucopia of spectacular happenings, of which the following are just a few: •FudgeFest: Eat your weight in fudge, shop for fudge jewelry, send a fudge-gram to loved ones far away or stroll through a fudge petting-zoo. Fudgey the Clown will be handing out fudge. •The Chestnut Hill Garage Tour: Visit the garages of some of the Hill’s most elegant mansions. Root through old junk and take pictures of it. This is the first year back for the popular tour since it was canceled in 2005 after a participant had a finger bitten off by a guard dog. That’s all been straightened out, however, and this year’s event should go off without a hitch. •Recycling Expo: Bring your old shoes and toothbrushes and watch them as they are turned into lawn furniture. Hear songs about ecology and recycling by local folk singers Enos and Matilda Floosinghausen-Flemshker. •Trippin’ Over the Arts: Browse through thousands of paintings of the Valley Green Inn, Boathouse Row, Valley-Green-Inn-grafted-onto-Boathouse-Row, row houses in a valley, green boats in a row, green houses, green boats, rich kids in row boats, and much more. And then of course, there’s the Pastorius Park Concert Series, featuring the following fabuloso acts: •The Young Republicans Choir: They will be performing traditional songs of family values. Even though the youngest member of the group is 72 years old, they still sing with the same verve that they had when they performed at Richard Nixon’s inaugural ball. Good clean toe-tappin’ fun! •Women’s poetry night: Frida Kahlo will not be performing — she’s dead — but many of her devotees will be in attendance, bleeding profusely from a plethora of open wounds. They will dance poetically around the point for hours on end, getting in touch with lots and lots of deep feelings. Remember, if you go, you must bring your own suicide pills, as a city ordinance forbids selling them in the park. •Men’s Poetry Night: It will take place the following evening, consisting of short poems composed of short, rhyming words. Special guest poet “Uncle Grubby” will recite the poignant “In Heaven There Is No Beer (That’s Why We Drink It Here).” •A Night of Secular Prayer: It will be led by renowned professional spirit-guide “Mondo.” In all of the prayers, the word “God” will be replaced by the words “Sacred Potato.” Be prepared to hold hands with strangers. (It has not been verified with Google, but we were told by a highly unreliable source that Mondo was the first person who ever looked at a cow and said, “I think I’ll squeeze those dangly things and drink whatever comes out!”) •Musicanus Porcupinus: The world’s first medieval chamber music ensemble composed entirely of porcupines. They will even be playing some pieces composed by porcupines. Don’t rush to judgment on this; you’ll be surprised and amazed at how sharp the music is. •The 110-piece Wilkes-Barre Kazoo Band: An experience that always leaves audiences buzzing with excitement. You simply must hear it for yourself to be fully imbued with its primordial power. •Dermatazoa: This up and coming zither duo describes their material as “new-age-acoustic-ethnic-humanist-ambient-empowerment music.” In other words, the kind of thing you’d expect to see in Mt. Airy, not Chestnut Hill. Interpreters will be provided for the tone-deaf and rhythmically challenged. •Thump! A cadre of hyperactive dancers banging on things with other things. The Scranton Bugle called this show “Explosive” and “Extremely loud.” During the grand finale, audience members will be encouraged to bang on each other with wiffle bats. •The Kadiddlehoppers: Large singing, dancing fuzzy things telling kids to brush their teeth. There will be lots of group participation like, “Hey kids, when I say ‘Brush your teeth,’ you say ‘Twice a day!’” Strong coffee will be provided for adults. Please try to pay attention. •Cool Teen Night: A troop of happy, singing, dancing teens in attractive J.C. Penney outfits telling other teens not to have sex. If I could just interject a word of warning to the promoters here: any show produced or sanctioned by adults, or which has adults anywhere within one mile of the stage, is guaranteed to be neither “cool” nor “teen,” and will in fact be considered “gross” by actual teens. (Remember, if raising children was meant to be easy, it would never have started with something called “labor.”) There are a few additional rules in effect at concerts this year which are worth noting: Unruly children will be thrown to the crocodiles, “Peaches” and “Herb,” now residing in the moat in front of the stage. Also, parking meter cops will be patrolling the crowds, looking for people who are talking loudly and not paying any attention to the show. These folks will be given overtime parking tickets, and all of their wine and cheese will be confiscated and given to the poor. And finally, people who never clap will be shot with tranquilizer darts and relocated to Newark, New Jersey. They will not be allowed back into Chestnut Hill until the next time the Allentown Band plays in Pastorius Park. Remember, all of the above events are subject to change. Hold on a second ... This just in: they have all changed! Please consult your nearest tea-leaf reader or nail-technician for more up-to-date listings, and by all means, have fun! Jim Harris is a Germantown resident, professional musician and animal rights activist whose favorite games for old people are: “Twenty questions shouted into your good ear,” “Musical recliners,” “Pin the toupee on the bald guy” and “Simon says something incoherent.”
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