August 21, 2008 Issue                                       

©2007 The Chestnut Hill Local

Upcoming CHCA events you’ll never read about again
by ROBERT FLES

According to our intrepid contributor, Robert Fles, Gov. Ed Rendell will soon be cutting the ribbon for new toll booths erected at every intersection along Germantown Avenue in Chestnut Hill. The good governor is seen here with Robyn John (from left), Dan Pulka and his Boston Terrier, Carter. We have it on good authority that all three (including Carter) were until recently in the Witness Protection Program, and the governor is now making sure that they have around-the-clock protection. (Photo by Jimmy J. Pack Jr., who has never been in the Witness Protection Program but has worked for FEMA under the Bush administration and, therefore, should be.)

Robert Fles is head of Upper School at Chestnut Hill Academy.

The Chestnut Hill Community Association announced today the eagerly anticipated line-up for its renowned “Great Issues of Our Times” series. As always, an impressive array of top-notch guests will speak out on matters of great moment to our community — indeed, to our nation — and challenge us to create a better future for ourselves and for our children and grandchildren.

•September: Our kick-off speaker and her topic will be of particular interest to community members still atwitter over the recent CHCA election controversy: Katherine Harris, former Secretary of State of Florida, who played a vital role in Florida’s propelling George W. Bush to the presidency, will speak on “Hang that chad: manipulating the outcome of an election without resorting to the actual burning or shredding of ballots.” (Program note: local pundit Ed Feldman has promised to make his usual contribution by babbling interminably in the background during Harris’s speech.)

•October: Sure to be a hit will be the effervescent Philadelphia Phillies shortstop Jimmy Rollins, whose topic will appeal most strongly to young people focused on getting ahead in life: “Displaying promptness and hustle: the two sure-fire ways to impress your boss and advance your career.” (Program note: Rollins’ talk will begin at 7:30 or as soon as he arrives.)

•November: Buy your tickets early for a talk by local celebrity and (currently unemployed) broadcast journalist Larry Mendte: “Peeking over shoulders: how to use modern technology safely to get the scoop on your friends and colleagues.” (Program note: Jesse Jackson will follow Mendte’s hands-on demonstration of e-mail manipulation with what he admits has been a technological challenge for him: finding the “off” switch on microphones before blathering. Rev. Jackson has promised to supply a snack of tasty nuts for the entire audience. During snack time, Alicia Lane and Dawn Stensland will offer personal viewpoints on Mendte and his e-methods.)

•December: Instead of a guest lecturer in the holiday season, our own Chestnut Hill Community Association will host a special community gala called “Celebrating the 4th of July when it’s sleeting.” (Program note: CHCA urges guests to come barefoot, wear bathing suits and suck on water ice, whatever the weather.)

•January: To honor the inauguration of a new U.S. president, soon-to-be former State Senator Vince Fumo and the entire legislature of the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania will present a program called “Bonusgate and its offspring: how we’ve learned to combine political ethics, public service and self-interest in innumerable unique ways.” (Program note: Because of promised guest appearances by all currently and formerly imprisoned city officials from Philadelphia and Camden, this program will be held in the spacious, lavishly refurbished Highland Avenue Parking Lot.)  

•February: Just in time for the Super Bowl, NFL quarterback Brett Favre will deliver an address sure to appeal to baby boomers reaching the end of their careers: “Please come back, Lloyd Wells, and please don’t go, Joe Paterno: how to retire gracefully, prepare yourself for sliding seamlessly into those golden years, and make way for the next generation.” (Program note: The TD-tossing quarterback plans to summon the ghost of Richard Nixon, which will eerily croak the former president’s signature line: “You won’t have Richard Nixon to kick around any more … Just kidding!” According to Favre, “These are words to live by until you’re dead.”)

•March: A special guest appearance by Pennsylvania Gov. Ed Rendell, who will unveil his new plan for rebuilding the state’s bridges and roads: “Funding infrastructure repair: turning every street, avenue, boulevard, cul-de-sac and the driveway of every private home in Pennsylvania into a toll road.” (Program note: Rendell will cut the ribbon for the new toll booths erected for the occasion at every intersection along Germantown Avenue.  The governor has also promised to conclude the program by demonstrating the correct technique for simultaneously eating a hoagie, a cheesesteak, and a giant soft pretzel.)

•April: Former 76er superstar and Philadelphia favorite Allen Iverson will return to the City of Brotherly Love to kick off his career as a motivational speaker and to express his appreciation for the team that made him a star and a mega-millionaire: “Words to live by: giving your all, showing gratitude, doing your best and staying humble.” (Program note: Iverson will conclude his talk by leading the crowd in his signature chant: “Practice! Practice? We talkin’ ‘bout practice!”) 

•May: A pair of beloved Philadelphia coaches, the Eagles’ Andy Reid and the Phillies’ Charlie Manuel, will make a rare joint appearance to deliver a delightful talk entitled “Getting ready for the bathing-suit season: surefire dieting and exercise tips that can make all the difference for your gut, thighs and triple chin.” (Program note: Reid and Manuel will deliver their talk from a barge in the Pastorius Park pond. Throughout the lecture, former Eagle Terrell Owens will demonstrate the proper form for doing sit-ups on a sun-blistered driveway while talking with Ed Feldman as a great way of staying in shape.)

•June: In a special program that promises to be more pageant than lecture, the entire faculty of the Westminster Theological Seminary will use the Snowden Parking Lot to re-enact the Spanish Inquisition. President Peter (“Torquemada”) Lillback has assured us that he will enliven the pageant by burning 66 heretics at the stake who claim that the inspired words in the Bible are actually made up of the letters of the alphabet. (Program note: Beth Stroud, unpastor of the First United Methodist Church of Germantown, has declined Lillback’s invitation to appear in the spectacle as Joan of Arc.)