April 2, 2009


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Obama promises we’ll never run out of toilet paper

I had a dream. Paul Revere was riding a skateboard, shouting “The bankers are coming, the bankers are coming!” He was being followed by legions of cash-eating zombies with hats in hand, shuffling out of boardrooms and stately mansions for as far as the eye could see. I took this to be an omen.

I’ve heard it said by lots of policy makers that “The stool of American policy has three legs.” I don’t know what the legs are made of, but ‘stool’ is a pretty good description of American policy, such as it has been for quite some time now. The reigning economic principle of “laissez-faire,” which roughly translates to “lousy-failure,” has proven beyond a doubt that when it comes to money, people CAN be trusted . . . to do the wrong thing, every time, unless governed by a strict regime. Even then, greed and incompetence can flourish.

For example, as we all know, Russian communism failed because, in the end, they ran out of toilet paper, which is ironic, because that’s exactly why they turned communist in the first place. Anyway, in his recent address to Congress, President Obama assured us that we will never run out of toilet paper, declaring it the most valuable paper we have (or at least more valuable than one-dollar bills) and appointing Vice President Joe Biden to head a task force to rebuild our country’s reserves. That was probably the most exciting part of the address.

I mean, let’s face it, economics may be important, but it doesn’t present a lot of opportunity for lofty oratory. Lincoln’s “government of the people…” and FDR’s “We have nothing to fear but fear itself” sprang from the terrifying exigencies of the day, but Obama only gets to expound on things like asset relief, sub-prime loans and interest rates. Bore-ing; snoozeburger!!! It’s a real shame to waste such a brilliant man on such drab housekeeping.

Here’s an example of just how much the president desperately wants to talk about some things other than finance: at his first press conference, a reporter asked him what he thought about the revelation that baseball superstar Alex Rodriguez had taken steroids in 2003. The president not only answered the question, but went on to give a presentation using graphs, charts and a real bat, advising how A-Rod could improve his batting average by at least 30 points.

In an apparent attempt to garner some modicum of sexiness from the economic crisis, the president has been kissing people who have lost their homes to foreclosure. In fact, he’s kissing everybody he can get his hands on. He even kissed Hillary Clinton before his address to Congress. 

While I’m sure his intentions are pure and innocent, it’s creepy, unhygienic and possibly an abuse of power, because when the president leans in to kiss you, who’s going to back away? Are you going to say, “Sorry, Mr. President, but I don’t kiss until the second date?” You just have to stand there and take it. It reminds me of my aunt Ethel, who used to plant a big wet one on me every time she visited.

While declaring that our free society is alive and well, the president went on to announce the federal government’s plans to temporarily take over the banking industry, the peanut industry, the weather, the octuplets and all of the state governments. He also revealed plans to pull all of our troops out of Iraq immediately and use them to invade America, patrol high-crime neighborhoods and set up a stable infrastructure.

To ensure that we stay competitive in the future, the president expressed his wish for America to have the world’s highest percentage of college graduates. The newly passed National Student Incentive bill calls for supplying failing students with the correct answers to all of their tests, insofar as the government can determine the correct answers. Those students who still can’t pass their exams, even after being given the answers, will be used for medical research.

“We will rebuild, and we will recover,” said the president. The recovery will most likely take place by the time the political pendulum swings back, and the next generation of the Bush family takes office in 2016.

Ed. Note: In addition to being an expert on presidential speeches, Jim Harris is a freelance sex therapist who normally charges for his ever-so-valuable advice. He is so grateful to readers of the Local, however, for keeping us afloat by purchasing the paper that he will offer the following advice on intimate marital relations for couples over 60 at no additional charge. The 75 cents you spent for the paper will cover it. (Please make sure all children under 16 are out of the room when you read this.): 1. Wear your glasses to bed, and make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set a timer for three minutes, in case you doze off in the middle of intimacy.

3. Set the mood with lighting.  (Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin intimate relations.

5. Write your partner’s name on your hand in case you can’t remember it.

6. Keep the Polygrip close by so your teeth don’t end up under the bed.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.

8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf, too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.

10. Don’t even think about trying it twice.