August 6, 2009


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Genius new inventions from unheralded Local columnist

If you haven’t seen me out and about lately, it’s because I’ve been busy inventing things. Like my inspirational role models, Ron Popeil and Gyro Gearloose, I just love making gadgets and gizmos that improve peoples’ lives.

No matter what the economic climate, innovative individuals will always prosper. In America, we call such people “entrepreneurs,” and I am proud to be one of them. Without further ado, here are some of my latest creations:

•Bulletproof Pants. The vests are good, but they overlook an important part of the anatomy.

•The Personal Air Bag. Fits under your clothing. Picture this: you’re crossing the street, and you get hit by a car. The driver is saved from injury by his airbag, but you get squashed. Does that seem fair? You need your own airbag.

•The Ant Blower. If you can blow leaves off of your property, why not ants? Can also be adapted for larger animals like squirrels, pigeons or cats. I was also working on a combination bagpipes/leaf blower that would produce a less annoying sound than the conventional blower, but then realized that the bagpipe sound is even worse.

•The Bless-O-Matic. Allows overworked faith healers to lay hands on up to 25 people at a time No more long lines of suffering people waiting to be cured. Consists of a large axle with prosthetic hands operated by a crank. And for the preacher on the go, a motorized pulpit, so you can chase those sinners down.

•Rotary Phone. This one is hard to explain, especially to someone under 25, but we all know that text messagers, because of all their texting, have built up powerful, huge thumbs that are too big for their hands. However, my device, a dial on front of a stationary phone that you have to turn with your fingers, would create strong fingers and restore the balance of strong fingers AND thumbs that Mother Nature meant you to have.

•Tooth Paint. A powerful synthesis of ‘Witeout’ and ‘Super Glue’ that will keep your teeth shiny and bright long after you’re dead and gone.

*Toothy Ruthy. And speaking of teeth, Toothy Ruthy is a doll that has real teeth – baby teeth actually, left under pillows for the Tooth Fairy, and sold to me by enterprising parents. The prototype still looks a little scary, but I’m experimenting with different hairstyles to soften her appearance.

•Modest Barbie. Another one of my dolls is Modest Barbie. Comes with an extensive wardrobe of shawls, veils and burlap sacks to cover every inch of her anatomy. A refreshing alternative to all of the trampy dolls on the market today.

Several of my new inventions involve phones.

•The Tele-Zapper sends a powerful electric shock through the phone line that strikes telemarketers dead.

•Dramaphone. For you guys who are lousy phone conversationalists, The Dramaphone provides you with over 100 types of background music and sound effects, plus a “fade-out” function that lets your voice grow ever fainter until it disappears completely. No more need to figure out how to end a conversation.

•Va Va Voom. And for those times when you just don’t feel like talking to anybody, The Va Va Voom forwards all of your incoming calls to randomly selected strangers.

•Also a musician. As an accomplished zither player, I’ve also recorded an entire album of songs I composed just for old married couples. From the toe-tapping opening song, “Shut Up!” to the bouncy rejoinder “YOU Shut Up!” to the gently lyrical “I Haven’t Listened to a Word You’ve Said in 25 Years,” it’s a touching tour de force.

•Life-sized Lord. Why bother with those dinky dashboard deities of the past when you can have the Life-Sized Lord in your passenger seat? Not only will this large wooden icon enable you to drive in the car pool lane, but you’ll be far less likely to get carjacked with God as your copilot. Comes in a variety of denominations.

But Wait! There’s more!

•The Tot-Bot. A robotic baby that has all of the cute antics and none of the oppressive responsibilities of having a real child!...How about socks that dust as you walk? Or a stick. It’s just a stick, but you can do lots of useful things with it.

•And last but not least, New improved sugarless caffeine-free organic tidy clean plus with omega 3. It’s a foaming dog-shampoo you can also drink.

Act now. Operators are standing by.