December 17, 2009


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How about a do-it-yourself colonoscopy kit for Xmas?

Once again I share my gift giving expertise with you at no charge, save the 75 cents you hopefully paid for this fine publication.

This year, with the economy suffering and the environment in trouble, simple gifts are definitely in. Something as basic as a wooden spatula or a bag of air can say, “I care,” and it won’t cost you an arm and a leg.

•Also simple yet useful, boxes make great gifts. Everyone can use boxes. Make sure you put them in a nice box.

•For your friends who still use internal combustion vehicles, how about a gallon of gasoline. The container can be decorated to look like one of Santa’s elves. Be sure to label it “flammable” and keep it away from hot Christmas tree lights.

•For your anti-establishment neighbors, a protest kit, containing a bullhorn, a petition pad, and a reusable fill-in-the-blanks protest sign, “NO ___ in CHESTNUT HILL!”

•On the other hand, if you have materialistic friends who expect expensive, big ticket items, how about a solid gold mobile phone, a 4-D holographic TV that projects around corners, or a kidney? (When gift wrapping, try to keep it sterile.)

•For that swingin’ bachelor on your list, give him the complete boxed set of all 222 episodes of TV’s “Petticoat Junction,” the titillating adventures of Betty Jo, Bobbie Jo and Billie Jo - three voluptuous farmer’s daughters who regularly go skinny dippin’ in the aptly named town of Hooterville. Virginia. Va va voom!

Instructional videos are all the rage these days. Here are a few popular offerings:

•“Performing A Self-Colonoscopy.” A few simple tools made from household items are all you need to achieve affordable peace of mind.

•“Blast Yourself Into Space with a Giant Slingshot.” It’s a step-by-step guide to achieving daredevil immortality.

•“The Ins and Outs of Slip and Fall.” Why work for a living when you can win millions in phony lawsuits? Topics include “The wet-floor pratfall,” “Slipping on various fruits and vegetables” and “How to look pathetic in court.”

•“How to Speak Chinese.” Experts agree that the American Empire is near its end. Don’t get left behind; learn how to cope in the new world order. Nin hao! General Tso’s chicken!

•For the music lover, perhaps a holiday CD. As we all know, Christmas albums are the last resort of dying artists (right after “duets” albums), so I was glad to see recent yuletide offerings from Andrea Bocelli, Celine Dion and Neil Diamond, although I found the one by Bob Dylan rather disturbing.

•For your bookworm friends, there’s “100 Great Hiking Trails in Iran”; Sarah Palin’s bestseller, “Going Rogue” (just kidding), or better yet, why not give a $1,000 gift certificate to the Chestnut Hill Borders? What the hell, make it $10,000. Print it up yourself. Remember, it’s the thought that counts.

Board games are back in vogue, and here are a few with local interest:

•Chestnut Hill Monopoly: Buy empty business properties and turn them into banks and chain stores. Land on “Community Association” and go directly to jail.

•Mount Airy Monopoly: No dice, no competition. Everyone just holds hands and sings Kumbaya.

•Germantown Monopoly: Buy beautiful old houses for a song. Do not pass “Go” without having your car broken into.

And since home security is such a big concern in today’s world, consider these useful products:

•Giant glue traps for burglars: Just place them around the house (keep away from children and pets), and when you find a burglar stuck to one, simply bludgeon him and dump him in the river.

•A collection of guns for the whole family, ranging from a tiny derringer for Sis to a shoulder-mounted howitzer for Dad. They’ll all sleep better with that kind of firepower on board.

•Don’t forget the pets. For the cat in your life, how about a genuine Louis XV upholstered chair to use as a scratching post? And for Fido, just take the lid off the garbage can and call his name.

•For yummy human stocking-stuffers: bonsai vegetables — tastes great, less filling. And for long-suffering ex-smokers, pipe tobacco-flavored cereal.

Finally, strike a blow for neighborhood newspapers and give a gift-subscription to the Local. As an incentive, if you do, I will personally come to your house and share a glass of eggnog with you. Or, if you prefer, I will promise never to come within two miles of your house. Whatever floats your boat. Happy holidays!



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