August 19, 2010

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Mr. Know-it-All answers all of your dumb questions

It’s that time of year again when everyone is away on vacation, which means it’s a good time to answer all those burning questions clogging my inbox. Since no one will be around to read my replies, it lessens the likelihood of costly lawsuits.

Q: Jim, I took your advice and planted Astroturf in my front yard, but it’s not growing. What am I doing wrong?

A: Did you plant it in Astro-DIRT?

Q: Where’s the crux?

A: In literature, it is exactly halfway between the nub and the pith. In anatomy, it’s somewhere between the crotch and the groin.

Q: Who coined the phrase “Uh-oh”?

A: That dubious distinction is attributed to one George Armstrong Custer.

Q: Where does lower Chestnut Hill end and upper Chestnut Hill begin?

A: At about one million dollars.

Q: Jim, I know you’re pretty old. Are you sexually active? 

A: No I’m sexually passive. Thanks for asking. What’s your sign?

Q: I have no hair left on my head. Can I swoop my beard hair over my head?

A: You could, but it would have to take a long, circuitous route, and it might look silly. If you happen to have a close friend (or Siamese twin) who’s NOT bald, you could swoop HIS hair over your head, and that would look much more natural.

Q: I think that the cashier at my workplace parking garage is disrespecting me. She’s behind thick glass so I can’t be sure, but I think she always says, “Have a crappy day.”

A: You should consider it a compliment that she even acknowledges your presence and is not yapping on a cell phone. If you want to partake in her little charade, however, just say “Spank you,” when you receive your change.

Q: If I call myself, since I’m already on the phone, does my call go into call waiting?

A: Yes, and you should take the call, because, since your voice is bouncing off of a satellite, you are actually calling yourself in the future. Be sure to ask the “future you” what the daily lottery number is, then play it fast, because you only have a few nanoseconds.

Q: When my cat sneezes, is it okay if I say “God bless you?”

A: In most cases, no, it would be a violation of the separation of church and cat.

There are exceptions, however. In the landmark Supreme Court decision, United States v. Fluffy, it was judged permissible to “Consecrate by religious rite or spoken formula, [any kitty cat] as long as said feline is not within 500 feet of any federal building, missile silo, or mailbox.” To be safe, best to just say “Gesundheit.”

Q: Every week, one of my friends asks me to sponsor them on a walk for some charity or other. Why don’t they just ask me to donate to the charity directly? Why do they need to walk anywhere?

A: It’s a corporate conspiracy designed to sell walking shoes (as opposed to “running” or “standing” shoes). It also gives the TV newscasts something to show on the weekends when there’s not much happening (except murders and fires).

A: few years back, I decided to walk from Philadelphia to Gnome, Alaska, to raise money for people who wanted to have plastic surgery to look like Elvis. Unfortunately, after walking for only five minutes (about 79 meters), I developed horrendous cramps and had to be rushed to the hospital. A few of my friends then organized a “Walk for Jim” to pay my medical bills, but were unable to raise any pledges, so they didn’t bother walking. What was the question again?

Q: How’s that oil spill thing going?

A: In a recent statement, retired Coast Guard Admiral Thad Allen stated, “Hey, I’m retired. I can say whatever I want. What are you going to do, fire me?” On a more serious note, he pointed out that a 200-ton concrete “suppository” had been inserted into the well’s “annulus,” but that a “bottom-kill” might still be necessary, after which the final procedure would be a “plug and abandon,” noting that BP and the well would “remain friends,” while going their separate ways.

Okay I’m totally exhausted from answering all these questions. I think it’s time to put on my “sleeping shoes” and take a nap.



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