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August 26, 2010


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New

His previous phone was embezzling money
Jim Harris gives birth to two-ounce baby (sex unknown)

It is with great pride and joy that I announce the arrival of a new addition to the Harris household. Weighing in at just under two ounces, little “Gobbledygook International XKZ593-a” was activated by Tom at Radio Shack on Sunday, August 22, at 1:43 p.m.

I received a very warm, personal message from the President of Gobbledygook this morning: “Congratulations, [JIM], on your new phone. The XKZ593-a offers more features than ever before, including GPS, WIFI, camera, web browser and 2GB onboard memory. It allows you to easily keep in touch with others (even if they’re only 10 feet away), via email, messaging, pictures, video and yes, even old-fashioned phone calls.

“Before you can use your phone, though, you’ll need to work with The Setup Wizard and tutorial. The Setup Wizard will ask you for your language, time zone, preferred time format and walk you through a short tour of features. With a  minimum of effort on your part, you will, within just a few short weeks, find that you never have to make another autonomous decision, have an original thought or look another human being in the eye. In today’s high-tech/high-fashion world, you ARE your accoutrements, and there’s no finer gadget you can be than the Gobbledygook XKZ593-a. Mazel tov!”

I must say that I’m enjoying my time with “The Setup Wizard” immensely. I’m on three-month “new phone leave” from my job, so I can spend all my waking hours bonding with my phone and learning the myriad new features available. The Wizard is kind and all-knowing, and his list of “Frequently Asked Questions” is long and impressive. Sometimes I wish the learning would never end. I know, however, that at some point, I’ll have to cut the cord and venture out into the big, wireless world alone, although I’ll never really be alone as long as I have my XKZ593-a.

I am especially grateful for the opportunity to have a phone again, as my previous four met untimely ends. I ran over my first one with my van, and it took me quite a while to get over that, but I eventually did get another, which I dropped into the toilet on a very hectic morning. I inadvertently went swimming with my third phone, and had to get rid of the fourth one because it was embezzling money from my bank account.

Fortunately, the phone company is very forgiving, and they’ve given me a free, upgraded replacement in each case. I understand that this is all part of President Obama’s plan to give free high-tech gear to the poor, the crazy and the lazy at taxpayer expense. As a member of all three of those groups, I can only say “THANX. LOL!”

In spite of the fact that I’m still in training (there are generals in the Afghan Army who receive less training), I’ve learned enough from the “Quick Start” menu to operate at a beginner’s level, and there have been very few problems, although in a public rest room this morning, it suddenly started playing disco music with a man singing in French. Try as I might, I could not get it to stop, and wound up attracting more attention to myself than I would normally desire while standing at a urinal. But other than that, things have been great, and my every need is being met.

For example, if I’m feeling hungry, I just go to my calendar like so. It says that this is “National Chutney Week, and there is an Indian Restaurant two blocks away that is offering a special deal.” I don’t feel like traveling that far, so I’ll just go to their website and place an order for takeout: one order of rhubarb chutney with a side of ... what the ... my phone’s gone dead. Hello. Hellooooo! Is anybody out there? HELP!!!

 




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