If necessity is the Mother of Invention, then laziness is the Dad.

Throughout human history, in times of great need, and other times when the need was not as great but was still pretty needy, mankind rose to the occasion and invented fire, clothing, agriculture and a bevy of other really useful jawn that would require me to do actual research if I were to list more of it here.

But, also throughout human history, when the weekend arrived, mankind took an innovation detour and prioritized comfort over necessity. And this is why we have Winnebagos, TV dinners and The Clapper. Possibly disco. I would list more examples, but my Barcalounger is now in full recline.

All of which brings me to my personal contribution to this noble lazy-invention tradition: the Trashmaster 2000. Please read from my draft AI-generated patent application:

“The novel invention disclosed herein provides an automatically projecting trash receptacle assembly comprising a drawer‑mounted carriage, a receptacle support platform, and a vulcanized‑rubber propulsion interface configured to impart translational momentum to the receptacle upon initial drawer displacement. In one embodiment, the vulcanized‑rubber propulsion device is operatively coupled to the drawer’s primary slide rails such that the elastic deformation and subsequent restorative force of the rubber element generates a controlled outward glide of the receptacle. This action occurs without requiring any secondary manual manipulation, thereby reducing user exposure to germ-laden surfaces. The system further ensures that the receptacle achieves a predetermined extended position, optimized for refuse disposal, while maintaining structural stability and minimizing rebound (oscillatory) motion.”

If you are still awake after reading all that and have concluded that I simply attached a rubber band to my kitchen trash can, I most vigorously protest your gross oversimplification of this visionary and sophisticated technology. In the end, however, I will concede that you are not entirely misguided, and are somewhat, if not precisely, correct.

Staples is the primary vendor for the Trashmaster 2000 (or T2 as folks call it — basically just me) and supplies the propulsion devices. The propulsion devices come in a small plastic bag and in a variety of colors, and they can also be used to hold stuff together when they aren’t propulsing.

I don’t want to speak poorly of my primary vendor, but Staples isn’t nearly as excited about the Trashmaster 2000 as I am. My design modification suggestions for their propulsion devices have routinely been ignored, so I’ve reached out to Sears on the Boulevard as a possible second source. They also have not returned my calls.

At this point in the innovation cycle, there are still a few bugs with the Trashmaster 2000. For example, sometimes the T2 refuses to leave the cabinet. I’ve root caused this to a lack of robustness on the part of the propulsion device whereby it ceases to propulse due to a structural breakdown of the vulcanized rubber (i.e. the rubber band snaps). Staples will hopefully fix this flaw at some point, but I am not holding my breath.

Another problem occurs when an unsuspecting guest is, say, tossing out their half-eaten burrito and stands a little too close to the Trashmaster 2000. Imagine their surprise when the T2 suddenly comes hurtling out of its cave, smashes into their kneecap, while simultaneously taking a bite out of their ankle. I’ve determined that this mishap is caused by an overachieving propulsion device, which is supplied by Staples if I haven’t already mentioned it.

Not to worry, these are only minor setbacks. The T2 royalties should more than cover the mounting lawsuits from family and friends.

Looking forward, I’ve already been working on the Trashmaster 3000. The big new feature is that the T3 will return back into the cabinet once all the trash disposing has been accomplished. I’ve tried asking the current T2 version to return to its hidey-hole many, many times but have consistently been ignored. That reminds me a lot of my primary vendor, Staples, which I may have mentioned I am not pleased with.

I am humbly gratified that folks (mostly me) are starting to recognize the genius behind the iconic Trashmaster 2000 invention. I hate to brag, but there’s talk (still me) that the T2 might be worthy of something called the Rube Goldberg Award for Invention Sub-excellence.

If that great honor materializes, Staples can pound sand and will just have to read about it in the Local.

D.W. Palmer is a humorist from West Norriton and writes about the lighter side of the human experience. He notes there are still a few of the original Trashmaster 1000 prototypes available for those who have home fire extinguishers in good working order.