Several recent magazine articles have come to my attention and featuring Hollywood notables who professed to having been a member of a cult at one time or another. And, yes, this was in addition to Tinseltown itself.

All of which prompted me to ponder why I have never felt the lure to join a cult. After several seconds of rigorous reflection, I think I’ve pinpointed the key motivations behind why I have, so far, elected to remain cult-free.

Lack of Amenities: I like my creature comforts. Regular meals with snack options, and maybe the occasional Sunday brunch, are the minimum entry requirement. Running water, preferably hot or cold as the situation demands, is also a keeper. As is periodic communication with the outside world.

But as I understand it, your run-of-the-mill cults aren’t big on these sorts of niceties. However, maybe I shouldn’t rule out one of those high-end sects. The kind that doesn’t have 11 people sleeping under the kitchen table at night. The kind that serves avocado toast.

General Distrust of Crazy Self-elected Megalomaniac Leaders: Who doesn’t love their fancy clothing and counterculture ranting and raving as welcome diversions from binge streaming the many shows with actors portraying megalomaniacs wearing fancy clothing while ranting and raving. But as a would-be cult member, there would always come that clarifying moment, when you are out there wreaking havoc on society, at the risk of being sent to the slammer, and you realize the big kahuna is sitting pretty back at the chateau, counting coin from all the free labor and dough that you and your fellow cultists have provided.

That, and I don’t really dig the whole “it’s your turn to clean the latrine” scene.

Poor Healthcare: Cults are generally not known for their healthcare benefits, AARP being a noteworthy exception. In fact, most cults don’t really have “HR” or a benefit enrollment period. Especially those end-is-near doomsday cults, which loiter at the no-frills edge of the cult spectrum. Not that anyone is asking, but I’d propose their standing could be greatly improved if they adopted methods used by Cult Costco. For example, take the money the doomsdayers are saving by not needing a long-term lease and plow it back into member benefits.

Unless of course the world doesn’t, in fact, end. In that case, maybe consider a 401(k) plan with durable mutual fund growth.

No Weekends Off: Sometimes you just want to get away from the whole cult thing and go to the beach, eat a hot dog, and drink a Coke. But no — someone’s got to tend the fields, make the clothes, and milk the goat.

Can Earn More as a Walmart Greeter: Let’s face it, being a cult member is not a strong career move. Most are entry-level positions and tend to stay that way, unless you can break into the inner sanctum, which would be my recommendation. There are no specific guidelines on exactly how to do this, but it’s safe to say that one strategy would be to: 1. Identify the inner sanctum, and, 2. Break into it.

If this sounds too complicated, aspiring to be part of the cult’s inner sanctum leadership team might not be right for you.

Perhaps I’m being a bit too parochial in my belief about not being a good fit for a cult. Maybe I should explore actual cult positions that are currently available. However, a quick scan of the cults in my locality reveals that the cults in my locality don’t wish to be scanned.

Undaunted, I searched for “cults” on Monster.com, which immediately popped up the top three opportunities: Associate Attorney, Sales Manager, and Senior Accountant. I’ve always had my suspicions about these jobs — which are now confirmed. Thank you, Monster.com.

Not to be outdone, Indeed.com offered up being part of the “Cookie Crew” at Insomnia Cookies as the prime “cults” position. I confess that I have long wondered about Insomnia Cookies. All that late night staying open and cookie making. And all that insomnia. When you put it all together, it’s clearly a front for something: a cookie cult! Well done Indeed.com – you saw right through it.

Going forward, I intend to keep an open mind when it comes to cults. Maybe if there is a high-end cult devoted to bettering humanity, I’ll consider a trial membership. At least until they run out of hors d’oeuvres.

D.W. Palmer is a humorist from West Norriton and writes about the lighter side of the human experience. Cult Costco is still after him to join up.