Couples therapists are not terribly romantic people.

In my work as a couples therapist in Mt. Airy, I spend a lot of time talking with couples who are trying to answer a deceptively simple question: Are we ready to get married? On the other side of that decision, I also sit with many married couples who quietly wish they had slowed down just a little and taken more time to understand one another before committing to a lifetime together.

Many of us treat the decision about whether or not to marry as if it were primarily a question of romantic chemistry. Romantic love is wonderful but it turns out to be only part of the story.

Marriage is a small business

A surprising amount of marriage is logistical.

“Can you pick up eggs at the co-op?” belongs in the wedding vows right after, “Do you take this person to be your lawfully wedded spouse?” Bills must be paid, schedules coordinated, dishes washed, groceries acquired. Someone must remember the pediatrician appointment. Someone must return the cat’s fecal sample to the vet. And of course, someone must remember to bring orange slices to Mt. Airy Baseball practice.

Over time, the question of who does these things can become a proxy for something larger — whose time matters, whose labor is recognized, and whether both partners feel seen and cared for. Couples who do well long term are rarely the ones who avoid these questions. They are the ones who can talk about them openly and negotiate when life inevitably becomes more complicated.

Arguments are rarely about the dishes

Couples often come to therapy feeling stuck in the same argument — about dishes, chores or scheduling. But if the fight were really only about the dishes, you’d have it once and move on with your lives.

When the same argument keeps resurfacing, it’s usually because something deeper is being touched — feeling dismissed, taken for granted or unimportant. Over time, partners begin to learn the emotional fault lines in one another — here someone feels especially sensitive or easily hurt. A sustainable relationship requires learning how to approach those places with some care.

That doesn’t mean couples stop hurting each other’s feelings. Everyone does that occasionally. In marriage, rupture is inevitable. What matters much more is whether or not couples can repair.

Can you apologize without immediately explaining why the other person was also wrong? Can you come back to the conversation once everyone has cooled down, had a snack and regained a basic sense of perspective?

Long relationships are built less on perfect harmony and more on the ability to find your way back to one another after things go sideways.

Romance helps. Liking each other helps more.

When couples are deciding whether they are ready for marriage, they often focus on romantic or sexual chemistry. it’s lovely while it lasts, which is, for most people, not forever.

What tends to sustain relationships over decades is something quieter: a genuine enjoyment of each other’s company. Do you treat each other kindly? Are you curious about each other’s thoughts?

Do you behave like people who are on the same team? In long marriages, partners are not only lovers. They are also roommates, collaborators and thought partners. Romance may spark a relationship but friendship and goodwill tend to keep it running.

A grand romantic gesture is not the same thing as being a real partner. Being a partner means showing up for the ordinary work of life together without quietly hoping the other person will handle most of it.

In other words, a good partner is not just someone you love. They are someone who is willing to be your ally.

What if you’re not completely sure?

People often assume that when they are ready for marriage they will feel completely certain. In reality, very few people ever reach 100 percent certainty.

Choosing a partner also means letting go of other possibilities. Some uncertainty is not a sign that something is wrong. It is often a sign that you understand the significance of the decision.

The goal is to feel reasonably confident that when life becomes complicated — as it inevitably will — you and your partner will try to face those moments together with generosity, fairness and care.

And if you can talk calmly about dishes, money and whose turn it is to run to the co-op, you’re probably in better shape than most.

Carrie Askin, LCSW, is the founder of Askin Psychotherapy, offering individual and couples therapy in Mt. Airy and Center City, and via telehealth throughout Pennsylvania and Delaware, askinpsychotherapy.com/couples-therapy.